Balneus

Australian Lefty on Politics, Governance, Science and Info Management

Pastor No-Allah and the Press Conference

Posted by Dave Bath on 2011-02-04


Pastor Danny No-Allah, again in the wake of disasters causing much cost and misery, gave out a press release proving not only that his deity exists but that his direct line to the Big El is completely without the bugs of worldly telecoms providers (with atheist shareholders – glitches are only to be expected).

The amount of water falling on Australia is a clear demonstration of the power of our prayers a little while ago, when the nation was afflicted by drought.  It proves I’m the Voice of The Lord currently incarnated in Australia.

No-Allah’s usual detractors point out that there could be some truth in this – No-Allah is a destructive windbag, something consistent with No-Allah’s leanings to primitive Judaism rather than the love and tolerance preached by Jesus.  One of them gave an explanation:

Look at Psalm 29, it’s pretty clear that it’s a storm god, a bit of a crib from the older stories Abraham grew up with, the ones about Enlil, the sky-fairy who did the hard work flooding the world wiping out the population except for the household of Utnapishtim/Noah – check out the Gilgamesh Epic for the pre-Abrahamic origins of that story.

As usual, No-Allah’s theological sophistication, insight and logic was on display:

Now the rains we asked for came, but a little delayed to show compassion for the drought we prayed for, but also as warning for the satanic choice of that Jezebel, Godless Gillard, as PM.  And rains don’t come from a clear sky, but from massive clouds, blotting out the sun, "El Shaddai falling over the land" sounding pretty much like "A shadow falling over the land".  Get it?

The continued strength of Pastor No-Allah’s flock was outlined in the press release:

Thus said the Lord to me in my psychotic episode prophetic state: "You, O Blessed Danny, are My voice in the wilderness, and I will give you the ear of all the journalists in the land." Thy following shall grow among the credulous faithful, and thy authority shall extend, no longer merely able to label those deserving My wrath impsed by conflagration but by inundation, My ire in the force of the air and the rending of the earth, the pustules of My armies of bacteria.  And further O My Annointed, in accord with My authority granted to you with expanded scope,it is meet that you rebadge "Catch the Fire Ministries" to reflect My wider blessing to you.  Something like ‘Cop any type of shit I say you deserve you heathen bastards’ doesn’t quite trip off the tongue, but you get my drift." And I awoke, fell to my needs and gave thanks to my Lord for validating my opinions.

At the end of the Blessed Press Release, Pastor No-Allah, Blessed Servant of God, permitted the assembled journalists to ask questions.

No, I will not abuse the influence I have, my access to the Ear of the Almighty, to add the Lord’s stength to the bowling and batting arms of the First XI – although perhaps if there is a sizeable donation…. or bulk purchase of all of my merchandise with a 50% donation on top.  I’d ask you to all kiss my arse too, but that’d be a bit gay.


Above this line – a joke.  Below this line – deadly serious.


See Also:

  • Previously in Balneus on Nalliah:

     

  • Even Andrew Bolt, who defended Nalliah’s right to free speech (against heathens like Muslims) has a problem with Nalliah:
    Which makes Nalliah the Hilaly of the Pentacostal faith.

  • In Nalliah’s own words: It is pretty hard to make a parody of Nalliah – to go further into bigotry, hubris and idiocy – but at least you don’t have to work at being coherent!  Here are a few choice pieces from Nalliah’s own site at Catch The Fire Ministries (and be sure to read the comment threads to get a glimpse of the psychological state of his sheep):
    • "Floods in Australia – Is it God, the Devil, or simply a Natural Disaster – By Pr Daniel" (2011-02-04).
       
    • "Cyclone Yasi – What a challenging moment in our nation by Pr Daniel" (2011-02-03). – Yes Virginia, there are miracles:
      Pr Adam also told me that a palm tree fell on top of his car. However, in the morning when he moved the tree, there was not even a scratch on his car. Isn’t that amazing.

    • "SOS – Top Urgent Message Received Regarding Cyclone Yasi at CTFM Prayer Meeting" (2009-02-02).  Make no mistake – I am a gold-plated prophet:
      As this happened, it became apparent that God was speaking and making His voice heard and Pastor Daniel began weeping and physically struggling as others prayed. Almost overcome, he shared the following with those God had gathered to pray, "God will not allow me to pray for the cyclone not to happen (for His protection) as He is making it clear to me that this is to happen… many will look to Him in their time of need and know Him. Hearts will become softened by the situation and many will cry out and know His salvation."
       
      Pr Daniel went on to state, "God just reminded me of the people of God how they refused to go to the promised land and were planning to stone Moses, Caleb & Joshua. They then wanted to elect a leader and go back to Egypt. How God wanted to lift His protection off them, so that they may be destroyed, but Moses got in the way and pleaded with God to protect them. God did protect them, but they never entered the promised land (Numbers 14)."

    • "Media Release – Atheist PM Not Good for Dark Chapter in Australia’s History" (2009-11-02).
      It is very sad that this dark chapter in Australia’s history is led by an atheist Prime Minister in Julia Gillard and an openly homosexual Greens leader who seems to be the Deputy Prime Minister by default, both who have no regard for God nor Prayer.  … he recalled how Mr Howard called on the nation to pray for rain in 2007, then followed a National Prayer Gathering in Federal Parliament on 22 October 2007. Within 24 hours the rains started pouring down in many parts of Australia.  … How many more disasters will it take before our nation, starting from the Prime Minister, would fall on our knees and ask for God’s protection and turn back to Him?

      but that’s not all folks, Nalliah’s fellow-travellers are similarly blessed with a direct line to the sky-fairies (for a fuller collection of claims by CTFM sheep to having Holy Handsets, see here) – Look for the comment by "Alwyn":

      My name is Pastor Alwyn Hartwig. I have been pastoring and praying in the Latrobe Valley for the past 23 years. God has shown me in dreams and visions and prophecy the awesome things he is going to do in Australia.

    • "Australians Believe Prayers Have Caused Floodwaters to Recede" (2011-02-02) – Nalliah is not merely a prophet, but can perform miracles across a wide geographical area:
      Said Pastor Danny Nalliah, who led the group: "We fell on our knees and we cried out to the Lord and we said ‘Lord, please forgive us and heal the land’."
       
      As a result of prayer, Nalliah says floodwaters in parts of Australia have started to recede.
       
      "In Queensland, instead of it increasing, the water started receding," he said. "It was the collective prayers of the Body of Christ that brought the results to the nation."

    • "Urgent Prayer Alert – Cyclone Yasi Qld and Cyclone Bianca WA" (2011-02-01) – Yep folks, these disasters, like the bushfires in Victoria, are overall a good thing.
      Definitely the shaking of our nation is for good. Even though it might seem like satan is having a field day, we need to always remember that it is only through great testing that great testimonies are birthed for the increase of the Kingdom and glory of God!  …  Disasters always make people think of God and turn back to Him.

    • "Media release – Abortion laws to blame for bushfires" (2009-02-10).
       
    • While many clerics have crappy merchandise for sale, I’ve never been aware of a one selling a DVD claiming himself as THE paragon to be emulated: Humility?  Naaaaa!
      "Dare To Be A Daniel" : Product #012 Price: $15.00 AUD + Postage & Handling (DVD) A video with a challenge?? This one is!!!Pastor Danny brings the challenge to be "like Daniel" – firmly resolved to do what God wants you to do… His challenge is not to compromise as "man" would direct, but to stay faithful to God’s Word and stand firm.God alone brings WISDOM, KNOWLEDGE and DELIVERANCE!A firey DVD of encouragement, for all who call themselves Christ’s followers

      OK, the "firey" indicates that the Deity isn’t talking to the Blessed Danny about problems with literacy – obviously a bit busy sending sinners to the fiery furnace downstairs.
       

  • At least there are some Xtians who, when mentioning prayers and extreme weather (the snowstorms over the US), have tongue in cheek:
    Sign outside snowbound church - Whoever is praying for snow please stop

    South End Baptist Church Sign: Whoever is praying for snow please stop



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